Harry's List
by ryulabird2
Summary: Pretend Harry Potter and L Lawliet have known each other for a while. Pretend they enjoy spending time together. Pretend that Harry has mentioned something he shouldn't have and L refuses to let it go. Now pretend Harry has homework.  Oneshot


"Why do I have to do this again?" Harry asked nervously as L forced him into a chair at the desk.

"Because you promised to discuss this with me and then insisted you had a hard time 'recalling it all off the top of your head'," L said snidely as he handed Harry a pen. "So, you shall do your best to write down everything you can remember and then we will discuss each listed event in detail."

Harry frowned and glared morosely at the sheet of paper placed before him. "So, any time someone tried to kill me counts?"

"Yes," L said as he walked back around the desk to peruse the plate of cupcakes Wammy had left for them. "Try to arrange the list with both the perpetrator, as well as whatever they used to harm you."

Harry sighed. "Fine," he grumbled. "But this is bloody stupid."

"Perhaps you should think about the possible consequences of your mindless comments on near-death experiences before making them then," L muttered darkly as he took a bright pink cupcake over to the couch with him.

Harry gave him a glare, even though the man had his back to him, and turned once more to the empty page. So. What was the first attempt on his life? Harry bent over to write out a name and method.

Voldemort- killing curse

There. That wasn't so hard. Hmmm. Harry thought about the next attempt on his life. Did anything the Dursley's had done count? He glanced up at L munching his cupcake messily as he crouched on the sofa cushions. Actually, it might be better to avoid anything to do with them, lest he give L yet another aspect of his life to go nosing around in. Harry glanced away quickly when L looked up and bent over the paper.

Quirell- troll

Quirell- cursed my broom

Quirell- strangling

"Do dogs count?" L looked up from a blue sprinkled cupcake at Harry's sudden question.

"So you've finished all the human attempts on your life then?"

"...Er, no... but I was just wondering if it counts if an animal tries to eat you." Harry shrugged. "It's okay if it doesn't. It would make the list shorter anyway."

L tilted his head to the side. "Why not list the person who owns the dog then?"

"Oh, Hagrid would never have allowed Fluffy to hurt me if he'd known I was anywhere near the bloody monster."

"Fluffy?"

"Hagrid had an... odd naming sense with dangerous creatures."

"Did... Fluffy... really try to eat you?"

"Yes, along with four other students, and before you ask, we were technically trespassing in an area the headmaster had already warned us would result in a violent and bloody death."

"...May I ask a different question?"

Harry looked at him suspiciously. "Is it anything to do with why Fluffy was in the school?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to drop this stupid list thing?"

"No."

"Then no, you can't. Do animals count?"

"...Yes."

Harry dutifully wrote out the cerberus' name, making a mental note to remember the dragon from the tournament. Who cared if he'd outflown it? The thing had tried to both eat him and set him on fire.

Fluffy- tried to eat me

Dobby

Almost immediately after writing his elf friend's name, Harry regretted it and crossed it out. Dobby may not have been a good planner, but he'd had the best intentions; and he'd really only been trying to maim Harry in order to save his life... Which sounded much nicer when Dobby was talking about trying to maim Bellatrix.

Shaking his head, Harry resolutely turned back to the infernal list. Okay, if not Dobby, then who or what had endangered his life in second year?

"Do trees count?" Harry asked speculatively. Not that he really thought they would, but it was the only thing he could think of at the moment, and he'd never much liked that bloody willow, and it _had_ almost killed him and Ron. Or, well, it had nearly concussed them, or maimed them...It certainly had been _trying_ to kill them anyway.

"Trees?" L looked at Harry blankly.

"Yeah, trees. If one tries to kill you, does that count as a murder attempt?" Harry said. "You said I should count animals, so plants should count as well, right?"

"Did you fall out of a tree, Harry?"

"Yes," Harry nodded. "After the bloody thing bludgeoned the car and threw it to the ground."

"... Why was there a car in the tree?"

"It was a flying car and we, er, crashed it."

"And the tree you crashed it into fought back?"

"Yes, viciously."

"...Plants count."

Harry nodded, pleased, and wrote out the willow on his list. Then, on reflection, he went back to the top of the list to add the Devil's Snare before continuing on.

whomping willow- crushing and bludgeoning

Aragog and family- also tried to eat me, but they eat everything so I don't think it was personal

Tom Riddle- basilisk

Tom Riddle- killing curse

dementors- once on the train, once at a quiddich game, twice by the lake

werewolf

Again, Harry found himself quickly crossing out what he'd written. He knew perfectly well that Remus had never meant to put him, or anyone, in danger and he regretted ever even considering it. Besides, four attacks by the dementors surely counted as enough for that whole year.

After that was fourth year and... Harry suddenly grinned to himself. As terrifying as that had been, Harry likely had had fewer attempts on his life then, than any other year at Hogwarts. Not because of lack of danger or dark wizards after his life, but because, oddly enough, he'd had an evil sort of guardian angel.

"Why are you grinning Harry?"

"Because, I don't really have much to write for fourth year," Harry said happily.

"Your fourth year? People were trying to kill you when you were four years old?" L asked flatly as his thumb lowered slowly from his mouth. "You are only up to your fourth year on that list?" he asked more forcefully, walking toward the desk quickly.

"No, no- my fourth year of secondary," Harry corrected, waving his hands.

L glanced at the upside down list. "You had this many life threatening encounters before you were fourteen? Yet you still have more to write?"

"Uh... yeah?"

"..." L stared at him. "I thought your fourth year at this 'Hogwarts' was the year you were kidnapped?"

"Well... yes, but-"

"And the man who helped orchestrate your kidnapping was a sociopath disguised as one of your teachers, meaning the man was close to you throughout your time at school."

"Yes, but-"

"Wouldn't that therefore mean you were technically in danger the entire time?" L asked darkly.

Harry glared at him, annoyed now. "Well, technically most of fourth year doesn't count because the sociopath that was stalking me was actually trying to keep me _alive_ until the end of the year."

"Why?" L glared back.

Harry fidgeted. "Well, so he could help kidnap me so his master could, er... kill me..."

"Any encounters you felt your life was in danger count, Harry. Especially if that man was in any way involved," he spat out as he turned back to the couch.

"Right..." Harry said glumly, and he turned to the list once more. Well, there was one thing he knew he could write down for fourth year.

dragon- burning, crushing, eating, rending with claws

Harry paused as he thought some more, perhaps the other tasks counted as well? A quickly jotted "stingy merfolk" became the short explanation for Harry's near drowning experience, then a few of Hagrid's more gruesome pets joined it.

stingy merfolk- (they don't seem to understand the dangers of drowning)

blast-ended skrewt- burning, stinging, ripping... (um, not sure what it actually eats, but I was worried it might be me)

one of Aragog's kin- eating

Voldemort- killing curse

various death eaters- curses

possibly Nagini- (she was hungry)

Barty Crouch Jr.- killing curse (and that really was the only time he tried to hurt me at all! his disguise was very good!)

dementors- sent by Umbridge

Umbridge- (she would've if she thought she could get away with it)

angry centaurs- mostly Umbridge's fault

Grawp- mostly the centaurs' fault

Bellatrix, Malfoy Sr., et al- very dark curses

Voldemort- possession

"Your list is getting quite long, Harry." L said over his shoulder. "You are not still on your fourth year of secondary schooling, are you?"

Harry frowned back at him. "No, this is the end of fifth year."

"You have a number of names that come up multiple times, Harry."

"Yes, well, I was given to understand that I was listing individual attempts on my life, not the individuals who attempted to kill me. That would be a much shorter list."

"Perhaps not by much," L muttered as he counted the listed occurrences committed by all the different individuals. "Are you at least moving on to your sixth year of secondary schooling now?"

"Why do you have to say it like that?" Harry said in annoyance. "You sound like a prat."

"I am trying to be specific in order to avoid confusion," L stated flatly. "Shall I take this to mean you are still on your fifth year of secondary schooling?"

"Bloody-! No! Alright?" Harry said. "I'm just starting on sixth year! Now either drop this whole list thing, or go bother someone else for a while!"

"I apologize for making you think of all the times you have been close to death, Harry," L said quietly. "Seeing how much it upsets you, I promise I shall not bring the topic up again once we are concluded." Then he wandered back to the couch on the other side of the room and curled up on it.

Harry bit his lip and turned back to the horrible list. He hadn't meant to go off on L that way, but, honestly! Trying to think of everything that belonged on this list really was rather disturbing. Did something count if someone only contemplated killing him, threatened to kill him, casually discussed killing him, or did he have to be in active danger? If it wasn't intentional did it count? What about someone sending him into life threatening situations while expecting him to come out alive?

Anyway, sixth year... that was when Slug was the potions professor, Snape was the defense professor, Malfoy was losing his mind, and Dumbledore... Right. Most of the murder attempts that year hadn't been directed at him... hooray.

inferi- drowning, I think. It was hard to tell.

death eaters- curses, but they had some dark werewolves with them too

Perhaps he'd been wrong about fourth year, apparently sixth year had been his quietest in regards to nearly being killed. So, that only left seventh year... which was sure to make up for the quiet he'd sort of enjoyed.

dementors- at the ministry

death eaters- at the Malfoy's, at the Lovegood's, at the Burrow, at number Twelve, and various other locations

one of Voldemort's horcruxes- tried to possess Ron

snatchers- (probably doesn't count, but they kind of wanted to)

ministry workers- (not all of them)

Umbridge- (really glad she's in jail now)

Bellatrix- curses and knife

goblins- really vicious axes, hammers, lighting rods, and a dragon

death eaters, dementors, giants, Aragog''s family, werewolves, vampires- (it was hard to keep track)

Crabbe- fiendfyre

Voldemort- killing curse

With a sigh, Harry set down his pen. That should be all of it. The only thing he wondered was whether he should put a little notation by Voldemort's last listing to say that he'd actually succeeded but... L could probably do without knowing that part just yet.

"I'm done," he said as he waved the very full sheet of paper he'd been given. L stood to come join him and look over the list of every time someone tried to kill Harry.

**A/N: **So... First off, this isn't from _Encounters_, and no it will not be happening in that story. But it's totally okay if you wanna pretend it is, because I'm doing that too. ^_^ Anyway, this oneshot is brought to you by a Harry Potter movie marathon that spawned the sudden question in my head "why doesn't anyone ever talk to Harry about all the times he's almost died?" That poor kid should be in therapy or something... And how come the teachers and everyone else never seem to do anything? I mean, he was bloody eleven when this all started! Irresponsible much?

However, as much as I think there are some serious issues in Harry's life that should have been addressed, I can't help but marvel how well he turned out and, frankly, I hate those emo-trips most fics become when they do address them. They make me so depressed... So, I decided that L would be the one to confront Harry and... Harry responded in typical Harry fashion, resulting in this, uh... I don't know what this is exactly... Why do they act this way, really?


End file.
